In the ‘90s, we let Kevin Costner believe he was Clint Eastwood for much, much longer than we should have. I’m not sure why we did this. It’s not like Eastwood wasn’t still around and making movies like Unforgiven and A Perfect World—which actually starred Costner and should have been a clear message that all our Eastwood needs are filled, such as they are, thank you and good day. But Costner didn’t stop, and that’s how we wound up with the earnest-yet-bugfuck Waterworld and the made-in-Oregon post-apocalyptic adventure The Postman, about a a Shakespeare-quoting nomad (Costner, who else) who almost singlehandedly rebuilds the might of the United States by pretending to be the fuckin’ mailman. We’re a long way from Bull Durham, kids. Enjoy the ride.